There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize