Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
