In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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