She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
