I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
