There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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