I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
