I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize