Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
All I want is dick and wine.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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