my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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