you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
