I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
