Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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