please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
