They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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