come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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