So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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