I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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