I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
