I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
