I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
