Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Life is so much better after having sex.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
