Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
