Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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