She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize