theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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