Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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