I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
