he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
