I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
