I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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