just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
