Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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