I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
