You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
