I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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