guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
