I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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