I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
