If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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