you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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