I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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