A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
