i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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