If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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