ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
