I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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