Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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