I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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