I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
