This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
