i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
