were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
