3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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