my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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