I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
