hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
