if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
