Soap is not a condiment
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
