Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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