The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
