After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
